Saturday, January 10, 2015

Love and Fear

My computer keeps acting up with stupid little things and it frustrates me to tears and to the point where I keep lashing up at Mr. J. Not cool. I feel like such a bitch, since all he's done is try to help me.

My sister's birthday is coming up this Thursday and for some reason I'm really dreading it this year. It's been seven years since she died and to my horror her memory is fading. I've tried to keep her death out of my mind for so long, for my own sanity, but it looks like this coping mechanism of mine is just pushing her away from my life, like she didn't exist at all. It's a terrifying thought.

Decided to have a little yukata-themed photoshoot, getting ready.

I did have a sister, a beautiful, stubborn girl who left us way too young. I loved her so much, and such a big part of me died with her. Her death was such a shock to the whole family and her friends. I haven't really been able to talk about her with anyone since, not even my parents or my brother. It just hurts too much. I sometimes dream about her though.

I kept snapping photos!

Lately when I've thought of her I keep remembering all the mean things I did or said. Why can't I bring back the good memories? I had a few therapy sessions over the years, but they mostly focused on other aspects on my life. I couldn't talk about her with them either. And now I don't even know where I'd start.

There was a masquerade event at a club, we went as undead lolitas, she was so bored! :D

My memory is already bad enough as it is, so it's painful to realize the things I'd really want to remember can no longer be reached. All I remember of those days is that I wanted the call her the day before her death, but never did; the day I heard the news and the day we went to see the body. Those moments are etched in my mind. I cannot remember anything after that, I can't really remember the actual funeral either, only the moments before the church. I left a note in the coffin, but I don't even remember what I wrote in it.

She'd probably hate me for posting this, but she was a baker and a cute one too! ♥ This one was going to be a chocolate Totoro cake.

I wish she was still here. I often wonder if she'd be proud of the person I've become. If she had stayed with us, would we have kept in touch? She'd probably have a family by now, she was so in love. We had talked about religion, and when I told her I left the church, she said she wouldn't do it because she wanted to get married in a church. I think out of all the three of us siblings, she would've been the first to actually settle down. Would she have liked the choices I've made? I'm pretty sure she would've hated some of the people I chose to have in my life, and she'd been absolutely right about them. I wonder how she'd have felt about Mr. J... She thought I was a total dork, so maybe she'd have said we were perfect for each other.

The finished cake! ^_^

I feel like I didn't really start living until after she passed. I got my first piercing (excluding "normal" earrings) and started to change my wardrobe and appearance more to the way I wanted to be. She was into alternative fashion and I really admired her style. I had been too much of a coward to be anything like that myself. I cared about other's opinions too much. She got me started in changing my own wardrobe. After she died, I realized life is too short to give a shit about what anyone thinks about you. Always be yourself. What's the point in any of this, if all you do is hide?

The picture is really blurry, but she had drawn a tiny Totoro and a soot ball next to her eyebrows with eyeliner. So creative! ♥

I could go on and on, but this post is already too long. I just needed to get some of this off my chest, sorry for being a downer. Take care of yourself and the people around you. ♥

Back in 2006, after my year in Japan. This is my favourite pic of us together, so I've probably posted it before. ♥ 

TL;DR: I miss my sister, her memory is fading and it terrifies me.


  1. I am so sorry for your sister. It must have been a nightmare.
    Still, maybe your defensive mechanism is trying to protect you, that is all.
    Try to focus on your memories with her, some events you spent with her, something to dig in your heart. I am sure you can find something to light up her memory.
    Don't worry, you won't forget her :)
    I send you a big hug <3

    1. Thank you so much! I haven't looked through the older pictures on my computer in a while, so it was kind of bittersweet to go through them again. I felt much better too after I had a good cry and getting some of these things out of my system. :)


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